Superman and I had wonderful time last night at a neighborhood luau. I think what gives credence to the awesomeness of my neighborhood is that so many of us have been living here for twenty years or more. It was like a big family reunion. Vickie and Stan are the most gracious hosts. Food was amazing and the conversation was fun. Superman and I said good-bye at a decent hour. (I bet you thought the cops showed up at the party didn’t you! Nope. Please read on.)
Superman had had another exhausting week at work and was ready for bed as soon as we got home. Although the boys and I were still up, Superman proceeded to protect his family by performing his nightly lock down routine. He looked at Sam, snapped his fingers and told her go out to pee. (I’m sorry if the “p” word offends anyone. But to keep this story accurate I need to keep the details straight up.)
So as usual with the Superman ways, he snaps, gives an order and expects immediate action. (And yes, he really snaps. It’s a downward swing of the hand, with a quick twist of the wrist at the same time of the snap. I’m not saying it’s effective, but it does happen a lot.) Seeing as Sam has not developed opposing thumbs, he did walk her outside. He gave her exactly one minute to perform, then ushered her inside. (May I please interject here to say that Superman is very dependable to protect his family. He has an alarm system in place, locks all doors, no matter what time of day and has a cache of artillery and guns. He loves us and has us protected well. But taking care of the pets is kind of my thing.)
So as he sets the alarm system, I rudely ask “Did she actually go potty?”
“Of course she did! I walked her out there!”
“Did you see her do it?”
“I didn’t actually lift her leg to check if she was wet, but she went out to the grass.”
“Ok.” (All the while I’m thinking, there’s no way she went potty that quickly.)
We all said good night to Dad. Within 2.3 seconds, he is comatose and is snoring into sleepy town.
After deleting my very unimportant emails and checking up on the happenings on Facebook, I decided to turn in also. As my job as chief pet caretaker, I say very lovingly to Sam “Come on girl, let’s go potty.” (No snapping involved.) She trotted to the door, I open it and alarm starts blaring!!! No problem thinks I. I go and turn it off. I carry on….I wait outside for Sam to do her thing. (Which, depending on how many critters have crossed her yard, may take a few minutes.) I reset the alarm, kiss the boys good night and get ready for bed.
All of a sudden Superman’s phone rings…very loudly, especially when it is on the bedside table beside a sleeping person. I try to grab the phone before it wakes Superman. I don’t recognize the number. He groggily looks at it, doesn’t know who it is either and turns it off. Then immediately, my phone rings on the other side of the bed. Must be important, so I answer. It’s the security lady! (Of course.)
“M’am we have been alerted that your alarm has gone off. Is everything ok?”
“Oh my gosh! Yes, I am so sorry! It was me. My husband set the alarm and I had to let the dog out to go potty and I opened the door and the alarm went off and…and….I am so sorry. Everything is fine. I’m just a ding dong.”
“What is your name m’am? ”
“Mary Higgins. Really everything is fine. The boys are home. My husband is asleep. And I had to let the dog out to go pee.” (Yes I used that word to a complete stranger.) (I know, I was giving her way too much information.)
“M’am what is the security password?”
“M’am that is not correct. I alerted the police. They will be there shortly.”
“WAIT!!! Everything is fine! It was me! I had to let Sam out so she could empty her bladder before spending the next 8 hours in agony or peeing all over my floor!”
“M’am the police are on their way.”
Superman asks what is going on. I tell him calmly that the police are on their way. He angrily throws the covers off of him and begins to say a few expletives. (And because this is a family blog, I won’t share what he said.) I calmly tell him not to worry, I will take care of it. He needs to go back to sleep.
I hate that the sheriffs department has come all the way out here for nothing, but I’m thankful to know that if something were happening, they would be here. So I grab my book, put my feet up and wait.
About 10 minutes later the doorbell rings, Sam goes all ham at the door barking like crazy. (Who needs an alarm system when you have a big ol’ barking dog?) (just askin.) I get up and open the door to one of our county’s finest.
Blawawawaawawa! I had set the alarm earlier and forgot to turn it off for our visitor. I slam the door shut in the officers face, run to turn the alarm off. I open the door to explain that everything is ok.
“It was just me being dooda. My husband took the dog out to pee, set the alarm as always, because he’s a great protector. But I know that Sam really hadn’t done her business….” My house phone begins to ring. Oh dear Golly Molly! It’s the alarm system lady again!
I am talking to the security lady as I am looking at the policeman. Sam is still barking her head off and the policeman is looking at me like I’m looney. I’m trying to tell the lady that there’s no need to call another cop out here, because he’s standing right here!
“M’am what’s your name?” Oh Please Dear Chocolate God help me!
“M’am what’s the password?” Heavens to Betsy!! I have no idea!
I hang up with her and after much scientific deducing, the policemman decides I am no threat to my family or surrounding area. He asks my name for the report…REPORT?!? (He has to report where he’s been for the record.)
Finally, Sam calms down and I get ready for bed. When out of the silence, Superman’s phone rings! Yes, it is the security lady! AGAIN! Superman flies out of the bed, cussing and swearing like a sailor. We have the lady stay on the line as we go searching through all of our files downstairs looking for the password. Still have no idea what it is, but he did convince her to not call the cops.
I put on my jammies. Sam curled up on her bed. And we said good night Arlene!
Yup. Just another evening at the Higgins house. Ain’t life fun?
Hey thanks for dropping by! I’m sorry that this post is so long. But I feel like Sgt. Joe Friday. It’s my duty to give all the facts, nothing but the facts.